Hudson River Cannibals
by Connie Nervegas
Summary: Leo's rescues are not always so epic.


_Seems like everything I do pops out of the RPG lately. Thanks to Alex Hamato, we always have extremely odd situations and Mikey turning up missing every other day. So here was the most bizarre situation we've had so far. I mean, it made me laugh and I was the one doing all the talking._

_And I dedicate this to Shush De'Carta. Thanks for not thinking I'm too insane._

Leonardo Hamato moved slowly in his exercises. Closed his eyes and felt the movement and heard the music ringing through him. Very gentle and quiet. His arms traveled in front of him almost of their own accord and the well practiced movements formed themselves. He flipped forward quickly with no warning and landed on his feet, his katana thrust out before him.

He knew the tip met a throat and he smirked.

"Mikey's on the phone," Raph said. "Want me to pause your sex music?"

Leo moved the blade of his sword away from his unimpressed brother's throat and twirled his katanas through the air as impressively as he could. This graceful flourish would have astounded any other person, but Raph rolled his eyes slightly and said, "If you want I can stand behind you and breathe real heavy while the music's off."

"I already have enough nightmares," Leo said as he briskly walked past his brother out of the dojo.

The living room was unusually dirty, he thought as his eye took in every bit of filth and trash in an instant and calculated clean up time at several hours. But at least the couch was clean. April steam cleaned it and called them all disgusting pigs as she carted away the black water. Leo decided not to sit down as he used the phone since he his body was covered in a thick sheen of sweat by this time. Raph handed him the phone and then stood behind him for several seconds panting in a high pitched voice.

Leo swatted him away and said, "What is it, Mikey? Where are you? It's late."

"Why's Raph having orgasms in the background? You two aren't up to that again are you?" he asked. Leo could hear the smile on his face.

"What are you doing!" Leo said, sensing mischief from miles away.

The phone cut in and out and Leo distinguished drums and chanting. "Okay, so I'm like… with these weird people on the Bay. They've been feeding me all day. I think we're going to all go outside and get naked and we've been smoking pot for a while. I don't think it's working. I feel really normal. I mean, I feel like how I would be normal if I were more normal than I already am. Know what I mean?"

Leo sighed heavily, yearning for the tranquility of the dojo and for Raph to stop imitating female orgasms behind him. "Cut it out!"

Rumbling laughter as Raph trotted off to the kitchen, his attention span quickly waning.

"How did you end up there? Just leave!" Maybe Mikey would listen to him for a change and do something logical.

A sound like heavy breath in the receiver. "No way, man! These chicks are all naked! And they're hot too! I want to get that blond to make out with me! And I was being all stealthy by the docks because I was looking for junk and I saw all these naked girls so I came over and said hello. I thought they were all junkies and so they wouldn't care that I'm not human…"

His eyes closed as he breathed in and out deeply. "You… just walked up to them?"

"Hell, yeah. And you guys should all come down here. There's girls enough for us all. Even for Raph. You know he'd need about eight to make him happy."

Leo glanced into the kitchen at the family sex beast, as Mikey seemed to think. He was contentedly teasing Klunk with a stick. Klunk scurried back and forth across the floor and Raph said, "You're not getting it, cat. I'll find the catnip though if you do. That'll be your reward."

"Yeah, he's a total sex fiend," Leo said. "Thankfully, we're not talking about him. We're talking about you and your high green ass. Where are you specifically?"

"Uhhh… There's a dock…" High pitched giggling from Mikey. "That tickled real bad! Want me to nibble you back as revenge? I'll totally do it."

"Tell me where you are so I can kill you!" Leo sat his sweaty body down on the clean couch, grinding his teeth.

"No. What are you going to do? Jump out of the phone and get me? Oh! I'm really scared, Leo. I gotta go. This girl wants to tongue. I think we're going to have a big dinner. It's funny though because they don't have any meat. Just a really big pot out of on the beach and they're all dancing around and they're throwing in buckets and buckets of vegetables. Like in stone soup, you know."

There was a sound gratuitous smacking and Leo said, "I will have Don track this call and find you. Are you listening?"

A dial tone rang in his ear.

* * *

A quick jaunt to the lab only made Leo's blood pressure elevate further.

"What are you doing?" Leo asked as Don hid a notepad under a pile of empty food wrappers and other debris from his hibernation, his eyes sliding back and forth suspiciously.

"Nothing."

"Mikey's missing. Again. Find him on his phone for me. Why are there so many aerosol cans in here?"

Don sat in his dilapidated desk chair and swiveled a few times before catching himself and walking back around with his heels to face Leo. "Oh, I'm trying to decide what I want to do tonight. Glee is on. Ugh. So I'm going to either set all those aerosol cans on fire and record the decibels or else light all that non-dairy creamer on fire to see how tall the fireball goes."

Raph's voice boomed from the kitchen, "I VOTE FOR EXPLODING CREAMER!"

"No! Raph you're…" Should he take Raph with him on his quest for Mikey? What presented less danger to the citizens of New York? Raph and exploding creamer or Raph and naked easy women?

"Raph," Leo said as he spun Don around to face the computer and pointed at the screen. "Stay here and help Don clean the living room."

Raph demonstrated his compliance with a hearty, "FUCK YOU!"

"So, Mikey's out by the river. This is the closest address." Don wrote the address on a scrap of notebook paper using his favorite pen with the plastic skull on top. Sometimes he rubbed it between his palms and chanted, telling them he was casting a voodoo spell to make them disappear.

Leo mumbled a thank you as he left the lab, nearly tripping over a stray extension cord. He imagined the teasing. Leo didn't trip. Ever.

* * *

The address was nothing but an abandoned warehouse down in the abandoned warehouse district by the docks. There were so many of them in this town. Abandoned alleys, abandoned buildings, abandoned warehouses. Very convenient for guys who lived their entire lives in darkness and solitude. He wondered sometimes if there was a giant hand out there, designing their world. Filling it with opposing darkness and light. Black and white lines. Harsh and stark. Then Don made him leave the lab because the fumes from his glue gun always made him light headed.

A fire burned on the dark shore, little sparking embers floating on the hot breeze. And yes. There were about a dozen naked women dancing around on the shore. They were quite tan and fit. Good for them.

He shook the lust out of his head and looked for Mikey. He was sitting in the pot. Something about this looked very odd. Was it a big hot tub? Why would you put a hot tub on the beach? The Hudson wasn't the cleanest river. It was actually a filthy river. Maybe they were a religious group holding a Baptism. Probably not, judging by the nudity.

A cult? Maybe. But why was Mikey in the pot alone?

Time to ask questions. He stepped out of his hiding place and took a few steadying breaths. Walking out into the open to confront strangers was not his strong point. Talking to people of any kind wasn't his strong point. He wasn't shy. Growing up without any society of any kind tended to do that to anyone, man or turtle.

He hoped he didn't look too ridiculous and smelled under his sweaty arm and hoped it didn't attract any notice from the women. Cologne would have helped. "Excuse me!" he said, waving a hand at them awkwardly, as if driving off flies. "That's my brother in that big tub. What are you doing with him exactly?"

Cooking pot. No meat. Lots of vegetables. Feeding him all day. This had to be a joke.

A few of the girls stopped dancing and reached out for his hands to pull him along with them, giggling.

Leo giggled back, but shook his head no, smiling bashfully. "So… I was wondering if you're about to cannibalize my brother."

One of the girls approached him and stood so close that he backed up a step. "We're praising the moon. Diana. Her milk sustains us and we feed her in return. The blood that flows from our loins and gives us the nourishment of generations…"

"Too much information, ma'am!" Leo said, holding up his hands as if at gun point and stepping back again. "As interesting as your pagan worship is and I don't mean to minimalize your religion, I would like you to take my brother out of that big pot or I'll be forced to… use force." He grimaced at his lack of verbal grace.

The naked heathen crossed her arms over her bare breasts and Leo purposefully averted his eyes from the focal point. "You'll have to go through all of us."

A few girls giggled at the prospect. Leo blushed and wondered if he would faint from the discomfort. "I… I'd rather not. I will if I have to. I have to ask though. Are boiling him?"

"We're going to eat him!" one girl said as she skipped around the pot, her perky breasts bouncing with her steps. Leo longed for heavily clothed ninjas as enemies. Cannibals in modern day New York City? Why not? Wait. Eat him!

"Hey, see here!" They stopped giggling and dancing at the commanding tone. "Nobody eats my brother! First of all, he's al all muscle and no fat, so I don't know why you would pick him. And secondly, eating people is wrong! You should never eat something with a social security number!" He decided to leave out the fact that the Hamato family didn't have social security numbers. "I'm very disappointed in you all."

He struck an authoritative pose and prepared to blast them all into submission with words. "I understand that you're probably all out here on break from college or something and it might be the new cool thing to pretend to cook people, but it's disturbing. What if something went wrong? Okay. Put down that ladle, ma'am! I swear I'll... threaten you some more... Have a little pride. In thirty years, you'll look back at this and imagine the embarrassment. Or you might be in jail for murder. It's a tossup. And you're totally cutting the lettuce the wrong way. You tear it so that it doesn't go brown on the edges. Now I understand that the economy is bad, but eating people is not the way to go. I'm sure there are plenty of soup kitchens and food pantries out there. I am very open-minded about other cultures. But there are some things that I will not accept. Killing babies, eating people and having sex with your siblings or other immediate relatives. Now I know that in some older cultures killing babies was an essential way of keeping the population regulated. That's what my brother said anyway. Oh, yeah! Don't rape people. I don't stand for that either. I'm opposed to rape, murder, incest and baby killings and that probably falls under murder."

"And now I want you to take Mikey out of the pot this minute. Because I think it is best for you to learn a lesson and do it yourselves! What? Nobody wants to do it?"

A girl prodded Mikey in the arm with a serving fork. "Stop tenderizing my brother!" he said as he batted the fork away and mentally chastised himself for allowing such a ridiculous sentence to leave his mouth. Leo heaved Mikey's golden brown body out of the pot and dumped on the sand on his shell where he rocked slowly back and forth. He didn't have much pity for him since he'd spent the evening cluelessly getting high and making out with pagan women who wanted to sacrifice him. Thankfully, he was not so easily impressed by female nudity like the rest of his brothers. So immature. Oh, I'm being boiled alive but the girls are NAKED! Isn't it great?

Mikey groaned on the ground and Leo crossed his arms at Queen Cannibal and said, "You know a wise man once told me that the body is a temple and it shouldn't be polluted for selfish desires. I am ashamed to see so many women destroying their bodies with this filth." He stared a joint hanging loosely from a woman's lips, which were parted in shocked boredom. "I hate drugs and what it does to the mind. So in conclusion... I expect all of you to sit here until the Coast Guard arrives. I'll be watching you from somewhere near and I'll knock out any of you who try to escape. I hit girls all the time, so don't think that I won't do it."

Leo pulled out his cell phone from his belt and a girl grabbed him under the shell. "Excuse me! I don't let anyone touch me there! And I mean anybody! Not even my brothers and we all bathe together!" He looked up the number for the Coast Guard and dialed.

A lifeless voice on the other end of the line said, "New York Coast Guard."

Leo eyeballed Queen Cannibal to let her know he meant business. She turned her back on him, unimpressed and raised her arms to the sky, giving an apology to Diana for losing her dinner. "Yes, there is a large group of people on the bank of the Hudson who were trying to eat my brother alive. They're all high as kites, sir. And totally naked."

"How will we know where you are? Do you have an address?"

Leo searched his belt and realized that the slip of paper must have blown away. "You'll know it because there's a giant cooking pot in the snow. And all the naked people standing around it." Leo rolled his eyes at the incompetence of government officials.

The operator said, "Are you on drugs too, sir?" Leo got the feeling that he wasn't being taken seriously.

"No I am not on drugs! I am perfectly in my right mind!"

A girl rubbed on his shoulder and planted a few seductive kisses down his arm, which he barely noticed. "I'm not using a tone! I order you to come down here! Well, then all these high naked cannibals will just get away then. Do you want that?"

The Coast Guard man hung up on him. "Oh, screw it! I don't even care anymore! You cannibals can go... fuck yourselves in your big pot."

Leo hoisted Mikey over his shoulder and carried him back into the shadows towards home.

Hear could hear Queen Cannibal yelling, "We have triumphed over the enemy! Man! His testosterone will not control us! Now let's go pick up a six pack and some hot wings. Glee's on at 8."

* * *

He hauled his brother home, blocking out the disturbing sensation of Mikey's face nuzzling his neck for most of the trip and dumped him heavily on the infirmary bed. Raph clicked at the computer and pictures of motorcycles disappeared. "What's wrong with Mikey?" Soot brushed off Raph's legs and onto the blackened desk chair as he moved to see the invalid.

"Oh, he… hit his head." Leo didn't want to admit it. Drugs. Mikey did drugs. He was a drug addict. How could he do it? Where had he gone wrong with him? What hadn't he taught…

"Wow!" Mikey said, his eyes wide with wonder. "It's so dark in here. Like the night sky and the stars area all dancing for me. Come here, little stars." He reached vaguely at the ceiling towards the broken light.

Raph furrowed his brow like a philosopher deep in thought. "This should be a public service announcement. Don't do drugs or you'll turn into this little asshole."

Don skipped into the lab, nearly every inch of him blackened with non-dairy creamer. "That was awesome! Hey, is Mikey hurt?"

"Yes," Leo said.

"How come Mikey does fucking drugs and you're all turned into hover parent?" Raph propelled himself away several feet. "If I fucked up like that, you'd kick my ass."

"LOSER!" Mikey shouted, pointing wildly in Raph's direction.

Raph's big feet stomped out of the lab and his exit was quickly followed by a crash, a shout of, "Nothing's fair around here!" and a loud admonishment from their father and a hasty apology.

Leo girded himself. This wouldn't be easy. "Mikey, I have something to tell you about those women. They…" Heavy sigh. "They weren't really interested in you. I know that you're naïve and rather innocent and believe what people tell you, but…"

Mikey smiled and said, "Those girls were total cannibals. They were so going to eat me. But I thought I should cop a few good feels first. I knew you'd come and get me."

All pity dissolved and the invalid found himself alone and bound to his sickbed to prevent any further adventures.

Meanwhile, Leo recounted his daring rescue, making sure to leave out the fact that the epic battle consisted of nothing but lecturing a bunch of naked women and then ineffectually calling the Coast Guard on them.


End file.
